Welcome to Charon, the outermost moon in Earth’s solar system. It’s the only known moon of the planet Pluto. Cwujdah, it’s cold out here!
I have no idea how you wound up here. If you don’t know, how can you expect me to? Your typical Earthbound travel agent probably can’t tell you much about how to get here and what to do once you do. But, that’s excusable. No one knew we were here until Earth Year 1.9.7.8 when one of your astronomers finally learned to differentiate Charon from Pluto instead of thinking we were just one big blurry photo.
That was James Christy at something called Flagstaff Observatory in your region called Arizona. Curiously, that’s the same place a man named Clyde Tombaugh was working when he “discovered” Pluto back in what you refer to as EY 1.9.3.0. Ever since then you’ve been squabbling among yourselves over whether Pluto is a planet or an escaped moon of Neptune. Well, until EY 1.9.7.8 when you spotted us. You should know that despite your demotion of it, Pluto is a planet because a moon doesn’t have a moon.
It’s really the height of Earthlings’ superiority complex that you tried to reduce our name to a number (S/1978 P1) when you first spotted us then decided to stick us with a name that looks as if it’s pronounced Char-on, or Sha-rone or some such thing but really it’s pronounced like the Earth name “Sharon.”
That may sounds innocent to you, but we prefer our own name for this revolving rock, Garbadanzowonipoppawasatoughguy.
And, we preferred it even more once we beamed into Earth archives (our technology lets us do that so we don’t have to wait light-years to get information about those beings who want to bother us) and discovered that Charon was the name of the guy in Earth mythology who ferried the dead across the River Acheron (Styx) into Hades.
In other words, your scientists assumed our big neighbor Pluto was Hell and we were how you got there. Pretty farbidzing insulting if you ask me. And since this is my kransag (blog, in your tongue) I can express my opinions without anyone asking. Just because Pluto is the name for your Roman god of the Underworld is no reason to keep up the nastiness.
You may be interested to know that Garbadanzowonipoppawasatoughguy (OK, from now on I’ll refer to it as Charon so you dont get tongue weeblers from trying to pronounce it) has a distinction it took away from your Earth. Don’t believe it? Well, it’s something else we learned from your archives. Some place called the University of Arizona has a record that says: “Charon is unusual in that it is the largest moon with respect to its primary planet in the Solar System (a distinction once held by Earth’s Moon). Some prefer to think of Pluto/Charon as a double planet rather than a planet and a moon.”
That’s pretty farbidzing special. The only problem is that since you came around bothering us it’s obvious we have something you want. That’s the only reason any of you bother with each other on your world — you want something. In this case, you want your distinction back. Well, farbidz you. We’re keeping it.
That’s not the only thing that’s unique in this Solar System about our home globe and our big neighbor. Both of them rotate synchronously, which means they both keep the same face toward one another. Also pretty farbidzing special.
