Why do you think we have umbrellas?

You Earthlings make such a big deal about looking for water all over the solar system. The latest Big Whoop is from some of your astronomers who say the supersonic plumes of gas and dust shooting off Enceladus, one of Saturn’s moons, provide strong hints of liquid water.

Like there’s something new about that tidbit of knowledge.

Next they’ll be guessing that the plumes move faster than the speed of sound. First grade stuff here on Charon. We don’t find it such a big deal; more of a big annoyance. Our home orb isn’t the biggest thing around, so when one of those huge Saturnian moons starts spitting out stuff all over the place it gets pretty messy.

You Earthlings might call this stuff a key building block of life. We just consider it something to avoid.

Ah, those heavenly bodies

One of my guilty pleasures a few krells ago was hacking into Earth television waves to watch the weekly TV adventures of “Xena: Warrior Princess”. So, it was nice to know her following remained strong enough to support naming our newest “discovered” planet for her — old 2003UB313. Well, once enough Earthling scientists got around to agreeing it was a planet and not just a misbegotten moon or some snarky space debris.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll keep saying it till the Quoobs come home: I hate how Earthlings are “discovering” things a lot of us already knew were there. That’s some conceit.

Something called “German scientists” who used a telescope in the Earth country of Spain for their work have just announced that not only has this heavenly body — the one out here near Us, not the one on TV — measured up to planet size, with a 1,860-mile diameter that makes it larger than nearest planetary neighbor Pluto, it also has its own moon.

Don’t go booking any travel out this way, though. You might think the weather here on Charon and over on Pluto is cold. Well, Xena is an icy, rocky world so far from our sun that it would appear like a mere light speck if viewed from Xena.

Oh, and Xenaphiles might like to know that the new planet’s moon is nicknamed Gabrielle in honor of Xena’s blonde sidekick/biographer. How’s that for symmetry?

The best of Earthling interviews

We’re told here on Charon that Earth television has helped educate the masses beyond all expectations.

So I wonder what this gathering of scientists and big brainiacs taught them. Just a little something we picked out of the nano-rays.

Ooops, sorry about that

A couple of buddies and I were out in the backyard playing a friendly pickup game of quomoranny, as guys will do on a weekend, even here on Charon.

Well, one thing led to another and the zeeble got out of control, zipped right off this moon and headed for parts unknown. Next thing we knew, everyone in some place I think is called called Canadiana, Earth, was reporting they found it. Here’s some footage:

New business opens on Charon

The economy here has been pretty tough for the past zillion bojroos, so it’s always nice to report when a new business opens up shop. Here’s a look at the newest one in town.

Commuter woes

Ever since you Earthlings started sending up space probes and floating cameras and all that other junk, it’s been getting tougher and tougher to make the daily Charon-to-Pluto commute to work. Just take a look at this traffic cam footage from the route I normally take.

Life on Earth, Parts 1, 2 & 3

Here on Charon, we always wondered how you would regard coming into contact with beings from other worlds. Well, now that we have access to your planet’s global archives, we can see for ourselves.